NEW RELEASE Bittersweet Trust by J L Beck

Trust- The firm belief in the reliability, honesty, ability, and strength of someone or something.

RELEASE DATE: NOVEMBER 7, 2014

I let every wall I had built around my heart crumble to the ground for him. He told me to trust him, and I did. I never thought that trusting someone would be my biggest downfall.

I listened to his promises and thought I could believe him. I actually thought I could be the reason he would stay…

I can’t trust him.

She can’t trust me.

I hate him.

She hates me….

… I’m sure of it. Why shouldn’t she? I knocked her up and then walked out on her. It’s better this way. I’m fucked up, lost, and no good for her or our baby. The pain is unbearable without her, but she deserves better… At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I still love her.

I loved him.

She loves me, and she knows it…

… But this time she doesn’t want me anymore, doesn’t need me anymore. Suddenly, it occurs to me that I may have actually lost her for the rest of my life.

I need her to love me.

I still love him…

With the broken promises of the past threatening to destroy us, I don’t think we can give in and move forward. Everything has changed between us; I have changed. There are risks I’m not willing to take anymore…

If anything, I’ve learned love is nothing without trust.

Inside and out. She is mine. Mine. I keep telling myself this over and over again.

I nip and suck at her earlobe until she comes back down to earth. Her head leans against mine as we stare into one another’s eyes.

“I want you. All of you. The fucked up, the good, the bad, the ugly. I’m far from perfect, Mimi. I’ve fucked up so much. I’ve made mistakes, but nothing was as big as walking away from you. So please… Just…” My fingers dig into her hips as if to hold her into place so she can never run away.

“Just forgive me. Please. Be mine. Let me love you. Let me be everything you need.” My voice is pleading. I don’t even care that I sound like a pussy whipped guy, just as long as I get her back.

She pushes me back, softly slipping off the counter and to her feet. “Once upon a time, you gave me this shit line of a story about how much you loved me, that if I gave myself to you, you would be there for me. Well, guess what? You weren’t there when I needed you the most. You walked away from me, so now this is me walking away from you.” A determination shows deep in her eyes, and I can’t help but feel my mouth open in awe at what she just said.

“Did you…?” I’m flabbergasted. I cannot even talk right now.

“Did I just what? Feed you a dose of your own medicine? Pretend to care? Let you get me off and walk away from you? Hmm… I think so.”

My head is spinning, and my heart is breaking. Rage and anger consume my thoughts. I really want to lash out at her, to hurt her the way she’s hurting me right now. Instead, I’m standing here with my pants around my ankles being thrown out like yesterday’s garbage.

“How could you? I fucking told you I love you!” I roar, pulling my pants up and buttoning them. My fists find the marble island as I pound the rage out into it.

“Welcome to my world, Corey. I told you I loved you. I told you we could do this, but you all but accused me of sleeping with someone else. For all you know, I am now,” she sneers. I lose it the second she says she could be sleeping with someone else. My anger is through the roof when I grab her by the arm. My hold is gentle, but there is a look of fear and shock in her eyes.

“Who is it then? Because I swear to God that if you’re lying to me, I will beat your ass until it’s as red as a cherry. Don’t fuck with me, Mimi!” My voice is sinister and oddly quiet which scares me more. There’s someone else; that explains it. I release her arm, my fingers going into my hair as I pace the room. I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t picture life without her. I always thought she would be here. I thought that she was the one for me and I the one for her.

“Hurts to be on the receiving end of the pain, huh? Hurts to have your heart broken, to have your hopes and wishes ripped from you?” She’s trying her hardest to sound mean and hateful, but I know her better than that.

“I know you love me…” I say, shaking my head as if this is all a bad dream. “I know you want me, and I know that we can work this out. I see the way you look at me, the way you acted at the doctor’s office… I know the love you have for me is in you somewhere.”

“Used… to have for you,” she states as if she’s correcting me. My mind is spinning thoughts, assaulting me. Was that the last time I will ever have her, hold her against me, or hear her heart beat against my own?

“I can’t…” I plead on the verge of tears. I can’t lose her! Can’t.

“Lose me? You already have. Leave, get out, and go home! Sleep like you have been for the past couple weeks, and think about what it was that you could have had. This is the end, Corey.” I think I see the tears falling from her eyes, but I’m not sure because I feel the wetness on my own face.

Now I get it; I do. I know what it feels like to have been her, to have loved and lost. I slip my shoes on, grab my wallet and keys, and head out the front door.

Anger and hurt consume me. I stumble down the stairs, not even caring that I’m hitting the wall with my fists.

How could I be so dumb to think she would just take me back without a backward glance?

How could I so stupidly assume she would let me into her heart again after I broke it into a million and one pieces?

You’re just like your father….

The words linger in my mind even when I know they shouldn’t.

J.L. Beck is the Author of Bittersweet Revenge, Bittersweet Love, Bittersweet Hate and Bittersweet Symphony. She lives in Elroy, WI with her husband Brandon, and daughter Bella.

Since the moment she could reach the shelves on the bookshelf she’s been reading, thus influencing her to write. Her favorite books are those that leave an imprint on your soul. You know the ones that have you putting everything off because you have to find out what happens next.

When she’s not writing or reading (of course) you can find her picking up after her three year old daughter, or explaining to her husband why its unsafe to do something any other way, than the way your wife told you too.

Shes a huge fan of all things drama, with shows like The Vampire Diaries, and Arrow being some of her favorites. She’s addicted to all things social media, caffeine, and Starbucks.